Feeling Naked

I've not felt so naked in quite a long time.....than after I posted about my father & his son last week. The feeling of putting my truth out there with a little bit of me hoping for a audience of one but most of all it is helping me heal. Letting out the rubbish in my mind that surrounds that part of my past helps me heal. It helps me clear the rubbish and clear my mind of 'that' negativity.

Moving on after the heartache of losing your mom is devastating; it is for me. Until dementia, my mom and I were best friends. Losing her changed my life. The best part is, that the afternoon before she died, I got to spend all my time with her. If you think about the best time and conversation you could spend with a loved one before they die, I got that.  I got to reassure my mom of so many things, let her know how very deeply loved she was and I told her it was ok to let go.  I will never forget that day and the closeness I felt with my mom. I gave her my everything.

So, despite the tragedy of losing my father too (of course, not to death but his own ego), I feel complete with the situation. I gave my mom my all and I have done everything in my power to protect her after death. I have had to protect her from her son, her ex-husband and my stepmother. I feel confident in how I handled her business and protected her interests. I don't think she ever imagined what actually happened between 'them' and me.  With her in my heart, I have prevailed.

I have prevailed because I am stronger and wiser now. I have prevailed because I have the most incredible husband on the planet and the most fabulous daughters known to mom's.  I have prevailed because I count my blessings every day. I am grateful for the love in my life, the challenges that teach me and the numerous joys that shower my family.  I thank my mom for many lessons and most of all I thank my mom for the lesson of unconditional love.

An Open Letter to a Dad – the one that walked away

An Open Letter to a Dad

I want to thank the man who married my Mom.  Despite the fact, you abandon me not only once but twice, you have taught me strength and true, unconditional love.

When you walked away the first time, I was 3 and I didn’t understand it.  My mom shared some of my time with you but your focus was really, usually, on the older brother.  That was the older brother that beat the crap out of me for 7 years. It’s like you didn’t know what to do with a daughter. That makes me feel sorry for you. Now that you’ve abandon me again, I’m 46, and I understand far more…..

I understand that my Mom died and you haven’t spoken to me since. I can tell you, to the day, the last time we spoke.  July 16, 2015.  Both my parents died that day.

I understand you must feel guilty for the abuse the brother gave to me. If you didn’t feel guilt you would understand it more fully and not choose sides.

I understand that quite possibly your heart is not capable of loving fully. You cannot empathize or show compassion for those that are hurt or weak around you.

I understand that just because I am diagnosed with PTSD I am not allowed to be loved by you. If you can’t control the situation; it is not in your world.

I understand that my imperfection doesn’t fit into your life, nor does it fit into your realm of understanding.

I understand that I have learned, I have grown & I am far stronger than you will ever be able to imagine.

I have learned that you fall for the sociopathic lies your son tells you.  Those fit easier into your life rather than asking questions and deciding your truth.

I have learned family doesn’t mean anything and blood is not thicker than water. What matters is the heart and the people that truly care.

I have learned that I am perfectly imperfect and a lot of people love me that way. It’s unfortunate that you cannot.  (Again, I feel sorry for you.)

I have learned that my husband and daughters are my world, will always be here for me and they have been just as hurt by your poor decision making.

I have learned you have little regard for anyone outside yourself.

I have learned I am nothing like you. (I feel sorry for you again here too.)

I am the strong and powerful daughter my Mom taught me to be.

I am the compassionate, caring person my Mom wanted me to be.

I am the example to my daughters that my Mom said I would be.

I am a confident mother, wife and friend because of the valuable lessons my Mom taught me.

I know if my Mom were here now we'd agree; she would be just as disappointed in you. (And your son.)

Lessons

Somewhere between my brother abusing me throughout my childhood, my mom going on hospice, my dad barely speaking to me and becoming POA (power of attorney) for my dementia suffering mother, I am learning some life lessons.  Here are 3 -

Life Lesson #1: The Old Saying "Blood is Thicker than Water" Doesn't Always Ring True.
I feel like my family has run for the hills in the recent crisis's. Gosh forbid a parent hear directly from the abuser's mouth that they abused their sibling and such parent actually support & help the abused.  Yes, my brother admitted his abuse & my dad's response was somewhere near, "hey, want to brew beer next weekend?"   He has not said one word to me nor have I gotten any impression my brother has been told how wrong he is.

Life Lesson #2:  Love & Cherish Your Hubby & Kids
My husband has been the greatest support through (what feels like) my family turning on me & not showing any compassion for what I'm going through.  I thank God every day for the love & support & advice my hubby gives.  My kiddos are great too - they have learned the art of distracting me from the craziness (even if briefly) and always giving me love.

Life Lesson #3:  Brothers Can be Just A Kid You Grow Up Around - Not A Brother
Do I envy the girls that have the awesome brother that you can call & share with, ask advice without thinking he'll try and screw you and a guy that actually cares about their sister? Yes, I do.  That's why, since biology gave me a loser of a brother, I chose my own brother in my life.  He has great character, is fair, is open minded, a great businessman & all around wonderful person.

So the lessons are.....count your blessings, don't always think family will circle their wagons to protect you & don't think a loser will change his spots - oh, I meant leopard! 

3 Day Not 3 Way

3 Days + 60 Miles = Feel Good

About a year ago, a co-worker said to me that she was going to walk the Susan G Komen 3Day Walk for Breast Cancer.  I had heard of the walk & at that moment it sounded like a good idea.  I thought the fundraising would be easy & the walk would be slow torture. 

Mid-summer we started with 7 mile walks and the first time we walked it poured rain.  THAT told me this whole experience was something I should have thought through more thoroughly.  But we kept meeting every Saturday morning & walking farther & farther each week.  A few months into it I received an email that someone was interested in joining our team.  Needless to day, next week 3 of us were walking.

Starting about a month before the event we all agreed that this was a one-time deal.  Walking 60 miles would be good once & we got to check something off our bucket list.  We would mention it weekly that "thank goodness we all agree that we won't be doing this next year."

But that's all changed for me.

As it ended up, I walked 60 miles with the "stranger" (no longer).  That stranger became a friend and a friend I value.  As much as I missed my friend who couldn't walk last minute (& I hope she does next year), I enjoyed walking with my new friend.  This event turned into an experience I took far more from than I gave.  I gave my time & fundraising but what I got in return was FAR greater.  This challenge was one of the biggest so far I had dedicated myself to & accomplished.  And that's the key! 

Funny thing is that I didn't really think through this thing to start.  And while I was training it felt like the day would never come that we actually walked 60 miles.  Then the week before I became completely nervous.  I was almost in a panic over the thought of the challenge of the walk.  Sure, there are 'sweep vans' that'll pick you up but the wasn't an option for me.  If I dedicated myself to walk so far, I would....and I did.

The Monday after the walk I felt 10 feet tall with confidence.  I felt like I could do anything I set my mind to.  I have so much more confidence post-walk.  I was transformed in those 3 days - nothing you could see - but I absolutely felt it.  There's an extra something in the thread of my being now that tells me I can.  That's why I absolutely recommend the walk to you! 

I'll be walking next year - call me if you want to come too.

Me, obsessed?

Is it JUST me or do you think about a certain something often - very often.  I used to think I was just overly critical of myself but it seems most mom's think often about being a good mom, often. 

It's like this - my kiddos will be wild & crazy at a store....at the moment, I want to run & tackle them, read them their rights & drag them out of the store.  Instead, I call them with that "I want to scream at you but I'm in a public place" voice....you know the one.  And it's like they know you can't lay into them because (again) you're in a public place.

Then I think later - what was I doing?  Did I really need to react?  Was I too hard on them?  Do I ask too much of them?  Am I too demanding?  On & on.....the obsessive part!

Drives me crazy - my kids will say "I'm sorry Mom."  I try to explain that I don't really want the 'I'm sorry' & I prefer the listening ears, listening children.  As much as they drive me crazy, I look forward to our pre-bed snuggle. 

In the end, just love 'em - they drive you absolutely crazy....they are our kiddos.

Does this drive YOU crazy or obsessed?  Or, what's your obsession?