The Unseen DNA

Am I the only person that when DNA is discussed, it’s so abstract it’s hard to imagine.  Like molecules, they’re mostly unseen, and even under a microscope they look like a movie or picture.  Well, DNA kinda seems like that to me.  It’s this “thing” that scientifically tells so much but feels unseen to me. And this unseen object has a magic of sharing so much.

My journey started when I took a DNA test end of 2016.  I’ve wanted to find the mystery behind my paternal Grandfather.  For so long, it seemed like the DNA wasn’t really helping my search. I would reach out to DNA matches and, if they responded, I didn’t get much information.  It felt like a dead end.

Well, my favorite unseen result of DNA was that I found a 1^st cousin.  My hearts sings & I am filled with joy to find family in my journey of the mystery.  It’s not that I just started to unravel a mystery….it’s that this family feels real.  I didn’t have tons of cousins growing up and I didn’t see or visit much family. (Even though looking into it  now I have quite a bit of family that was around in SoCal growing up.)  I’m not sure what it is about having family out there but I love it! 

The other unseen result of DNA is that I am understanding the dysfunction in my immediate family.  My Grandfather (God rest his soul) left Alabama, changed his name & traveled West.  Small detail is that he left a pregnant wife & 4 children.  No divorce and you wonder if there was even a ‘goodbye’.  Eventually, he resurfaced in California under a different name and a new wife.  What kind of person does this?  A person that raised a highly dysfunctional son.  Which leads me to understanding my father. It’s a huge background on a father to understand but it all makes sense.  The same as abuse is taught/learned from one generation to the next – Ron learned the dysfunction and is passing it along.

Doing my DNA is one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. Not only did I find family but I completely understand an issue far bigger than me. My heart is free knowing I do have kin near and that my father’s dysfunction was learned – it’s not my fault.  I wholely understand, my father can’t help his meanness towards me. It’s not me -  A real father would communicate.....

It’s not my fault.

September 11^th – it’s a day that reminds so many people of a horrific tragedy and a moment when the world changed forever.  Before 9/11, there was a world that felt simpler, easier and a bit more secure. 

When I think back to a simpler more secure time in my own life, I have no memories of a life like that. As long as I can remember I’ve been protecting myself.  Don’t get me wrong, my Mom did her very best. (I thank God every day that she loved me truly, unconditionally.)

Let’s talk Ron – there’s nothing simple or secure about my relationship with him. BUT, I am truly happy to share that I’ve reached a point where my whole heart & mind understands what he’s done/doing and accepts his misgivings. He has repeatedly given me the ‘silent treatment’ throughout my life & he can choose to ignore me until the day he dies. 

Do you ever listen to your gut & just start Googling and exploring ideas?  Well, I do that. I explored the idea of parents giving their children the silent treatment.  I did this after I had the mind-blowing revelation that Ron thinks it’s ok to ignore me because he doesn’t agree with how I handled his ex-wife, of 45 years, estate.  He left my mom to be with another woman yet he thinks he can have an opinion on how I handle her estate.  Really?  And even crazier, he is well aware of the PTSD his son’s abuse has given me (and his son has admitted the abuse), yet he’s disappointed in the way I’ve treated the son.  Again, really?  (Serious mind blowing happened & it took me time to even wrap my brain around that massive dysfunction.) His opinion is more important that standing up to physical abuse…..let that sink in.

Back to the ‘silent treatment’……Ron’s given me the silent treatment on/off since I can remember.  He didn’t come to my high school graduation because he was mad at me. (He used my Grandma as the excuse.) But what parent does that?  He gave me the silent treatment for about 6 years (ages 18-24) and he’s at it again. My prediction:  he’ll die giving me the silent treatment.

Here’s the really cool thing though – he doesn’t know I’m on to him.  I did my Googling and it always intrigues me when common themes appear over and over.  In Googling parents who give their kids the silent treatment 3 things consistently appeared.  1: The parent giving the silent treatment is usually a narcissist. 2: The parent uses the silent treatment as control. 3: Silent treatment from a parent is a form of emotional abuse.  None of these sound like shockers though, right?

Here’s news Ron – You can NO LONGER control me. I understand what you’re doing & why you do it. Your father did it, you do it & you’ve taught your son how to do it. That’s your legacy. 

It FREES me to understand all this and a tremendous weight is off my heart & soul.  My mind comprehends the massive dysfunctionalism of your ways.  And my children will never know how it feels to get the silent treatment from either of their parents.

So take that! Even though I can’t remember a time when my world was better, it’s better now. I am free to live my life to the fullest and better times are ahead. Same as how the terrorist will not win, you have not won. I am free.

PS - I made up the word dysfunctionalism but it fit.