The Unseen DNA

Am I the only person that when DNA is discussed, it’s so abstract it’s hard to imagine.  Like molecules, they’re mostly unseen, and even under a microscope they look like a movie or picture.  Well, DNA kinda seems like that to me.  It’s this “thing” that scientifically tells so much but feels unseen to me. And this unseen object has a magic of sharing so much.

My journey started when I took a DNA test end of 2016.  I’ve wanted to find the mystery behind my paternal Grandfather.  For so long, it seemed like the DNA wasn’t really helping my search. I would reach out to DNA matches and, if they responded, I didn’t get much information.  It felt like a dead end.

Well, my favorite unseen result of DNA was that I found a 1^st cousin.  My hearts sings & I am filled with joy to find family in my journey of the mystery.  It’s not that I just started to unravel a mystery….it’s that this family feels real.  I didn’t have tons of cousins growing up and I didn’t see or visit much family. (Even though looking into it  now I have quite a bit of family that was around in SoCal growing up.)  I’m not sure what it is about having family out there but I love it! 

The other unseen result of DNA is that I am understanding the dysfunction in my immediate family.  My Grandfather (God rest his soul) left Alabama, changed his name & traveled West.  Small detail is that he left a pregnant wife & 4 children.  No divorce and you wonder if there was even a ‘goodbye’.  Eventually, he resurfaced in California under a different name and a new wife.  What kind of person does this?  A person that raised a highly dysfunctional son.  Which leads me to understanding my father. It’s a huge background on a father to understand but it all makes sense.  The same as abuse is taught/learned from one generation to the next – Ron learned the dysfunction and is passing it along.

Doing my DNA is one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. Not only did I find family but I completely understand an issue far bigger than me. My heart is free knowing I do have kin near and that my father’s dysfunction was learned – it’s not my fault.  I wholely understand, my father can’t help his meanness towards me. It’s not me -  A real father would communicate.....

It’s not my fault.

September 11^th – it’s a day that reminds so many people of a horrific tragedy and a moment when the world changed forever.  Before 9/11, there was a world that felt simpler, easier and a bit more secure. 

When I think back to a simpler more secure time in my own life, I have no memories of a life like that. As long as I can remember I’ve been protecting myself.  Don’t get me wrong, my Mom did her very best. (I thank God every day that she loved me truly, unconditionally.)

Let’s talk Ron – there’s nothing simple or secure about my relationship with him. BUT, I am truly happy to share that I’ve reached a point where my whole heart & mind understands what he’s done/doing and accepts his misgivings. He has repeatedly given me the ‘silent treatment’ throughout my life & he can choose to ignore me until the day he dies. 

Do you ever listen to your gut & just start Googling and exploring ideas?  Well, I do that. I explored the idea of parents giving their children the silent treatment.  I did this after I had the mind-blowing revelation that Ron thinks it’s ok to ignore me because he doesn’t agree with how I handled his ex-wife, of 45 years, estate.  He left my mom to be with another woman yet he thinks he can have an opinion on how I handle her estate.  Really?  And even crazier, he is well aware of the PTSD his son’s abuse has given me (and his son has admitted the abuse), yet he’s disappointed in the way I’ve treated the son.  Again, really?  (Serious mind blowing happened & it took me time to even wrap my brain around that massive dysfunction.) His opinion is more important that standing up to physical abuse…..let that sink in.

Back to the ‘silent treatment’……Ron’s given me the silent treatment on/off since I can remember.  He didn’t come to my high school graduation because he was mad at me. (He used my Grandma as the excuse.) But what parent does that?  He gave me the silent treatment for about 6 years (ages 18-24) and he’s at it again. My prediction:  he’ll die giving me the silent treatment.

Here’s the really cool thing though – he doesn’t know I’m on to him.  I did my Googling and it always intrigues me when common themes appear over and over.  In Googling parents who give their kids the silent treatment 3 things consistently appeared.  1: The parent giving the silent treatment is usually a narcissist. 2: The parent uses the silent treatment as control. 3: Silent treatment from a parent is a form of emotional abuse.  None of these sound like shockers though, right?

Here’s news Ron – You can NO LONGER control me. I understand what you’re doing & why you do it. Your father did it, you do it & you’ve taught your son how to do it. That’s your legacy. 

It FREES me to understand all this and a tremendous weight is off my heart & soul.  My mind comprehends the massive dysfunctionalism of your ways.  And my children will never know how it feels to get the silent treatment from either of their parents.

So take that! Even though I can’t remember a time when my world was better, it’s better now. I am free to live my life to the fullest and better times are ahead. Same as how the terrorist will not win, you have not won. I am free.

PS - I made up the word dysfunctionalism but it fit.  

Skeletons in the Closet

Every family has skeletons in the closet or secrets they hide & my family seems to be no exception. They like to put their heads in the ground & ignore any reality that makes them uncomfortable.

I've grown up with my RLT (the bio Dad) gently suggesting that my mom never wanted a second child.  He claims he bribed her - I have the diamond he says was the bribe.  But here's the thing....I'm starting to wonder.  First of all, why would any parent ever suggest that?  My mom & I were tight (until her dementia) - was he jealous?  OR....was HE the one that didn't want another kid?

I'm starting to think RLT didn't want another kid.  Why?...you ask.
Here are 3 reasons (I think) RLT really is the parent that didn't want kid #2:

1) My mom always had my back. I mean always! She never swayed or made me feel unloved or abandon.  That is just the opposite of RLT.
2) Unless you're trying to drive a wedge in a relationship or try & weaken it, why would he suggest my mom didn't want me? That sounds manipulative if you ask me.  (You're asking if you're reading my blog.)
3) RLT has been the first one to walk away from me in life & he's done it multiple times.  Ok, I'll give him the cancer card....he helped me through that but I'm starting to wonder why.  Perhaps he felt like he looked like the hero if did.

It's utterly perplexing to me how my father can stand by his son who is so ridiculously unhealthy & affirm his choices.  I seriously think my dad is "friends" with SCT because he is useful. SCT is useful in entertainment, technology & manual labor.

I am getting so far off topic it's crazy. However, point being is that I have wondered for a while about why RLT would suggest that my mom didn't want me, yet, my mom was my #1 fan & supporter that never swayed. (Except when she had dementia & my brother was manipulating her.) I guess I'll never know & RLT will die with all the secrets of our early family....just like his father did.  #HeNeverLearned

You Know What....

You what what?  It feels good to let the past go & have compassion for those that hurt you.  I feel good about letting go of the negative feelings around my real father (RLT) & brother.  I've gotten to a place where I truly feel compassion for them - I feel sorry for them.  It's very sad that they hold grudges, cannot let go and fill their lives with "stuff" so they don't really have to feel real feelings.  (Funny thing is, I know they'd "say" they've let it go though.)

I have reached out contacting RLT.  Most recently, I reached out around Father's day because I was so perplexed as to if I should contact him or not.  So I decided to tell him that.  I'm sure you can guess.....he didn't respond.  Shocker, huh!

What on God's earth am I supposed to think?  So, as much as he can make up the "truth" in his mind, I can  believe he no longer loves me & doesn't need me in his life.  And as I've communicated, it's truly his loss. If you don't communicate, I see that as rejection.  Thanks RLT!

Here's the funny thing:  his father treated him the same way (as I was told by my mom).  So I wonder what he thought when his father was giving him the 7th grade silent treatment.  Does RLT ever consider the way he felt & that repeating that does no good?  Does he ever think about the legacy of a unhealthy family he has created & is leaving.  (His son is BEYOND dysfunctional.)  Does this messed up situation make him proud?  Does having a relationship with 50% of his kids and only 1 of 5 grandkids make him proud?  Gosh forbid I call the elephant in the room but does a man in his 80's self reflect?

I guess RLT can say I did this or how crappy I am or "there's always 2 sides to a story".  (I'm not perfect nor do I claim to be.) But, what's his side of the story?.....I'll never know.  He has not once communicated with me. #headinthesand

The good thing is this.  I have so many friends who love me & show it. I have wonderful people who have stepped in as 'parent like' roles that I can talk with, get advice & depend on. I've said it before, I am truly thankful every day for my husband, kids & priceless people in my life that make my journey rich with love & laughter.  I'm sorry RLT that you're missing out.  #suxtobehardstubborn

After Life

Every thread of my being and every grain of my soul believes my real father will understand the extreme hurt he created after he dies. I believe he will understand the utter pain he caused....and this is what I hold onto that helps me get through the day, my week, the year.  Ron is a person that believes in the afterlife. He believes in communicating with spirits. With that, how does he not understand he will reconcile his own life, after it.

So I waver between super strong & holding on to the notion that I know he will deal with his human life in the after life.  A song that reminds me of how I feel is Titanium.  .  

You shout it out
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shot me down, but I get up

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
Shot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
Shot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

Cut me down
But it's you who'll have further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love
Raise your voice, but sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, take your aim
Fire away, fire away
Shot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
Shot me down but I won't fall

He can take aim, knock me down, fire away....but I won't fall.  My mom made me, Titanium

Feeling Naked

I've not felt so naked in quite a long time.....than after I posted about my father & his son last week. The feeling of putting my truth out there with a little bit of me hoping for a audience of one but most of all it is helping me heal. Letting out the rubbish in my mind that surrounds that part of my past helps me heal. It helps me clear the rubbish and clear my mind of 'that' negativity.

Moving on after the heartache of losing your mom is devastating; it is for me. Until dementia, my mom and I were best friends. Losing her changed my life. The best part is, that the afternoon before she died, I got to spend all my time with her. If you think about the best time and conversation you could spend with a loved one before they die, I got that.  I got to reassure my mom of so many things, let her know how very deeply loved she was and I told her it was ok to let go.  I will never forget that day and the closeness I felt with my mom. I gave her my everything.

So, despite the tragedy of losing my father too (of course, not to death but his own ego), I feel complete with the situation. I gave my mom my all and I have done everything in my power to protect her after death. I have had to protect her from her son, her ex-husband and my stepmother. I feel confident in how I handled her business and protected her interests. I don't think she ever imagined what actually happened between 'them' and me.  With her in my heart, I have prevailed.

I have prevailed because I am stronger and wiser now. I have prevailed because I have the most incredible husband on the planet and the most fabulous daughters known to mom's.  I have prevailed because I count my blessings every day. I am grateful for the love in my life, the challenges that teach me and the numerous joys that shower my family.  I thank my mom for many lessons and most of all I thank my mom for the lesson of unconditional love.

An Open Letter to a Dad – the one that walked away

An Open Letter to a Dad

I want to thank the man who married my Mom.  Despite the fact, you abandon me not only once but twice, you have taught me strength and true, unconditional love.

When you walked away the first time, I was 3 and I didn’t understand it.  My mom shared some of my time with you but your focus was really, usually, on the older brother.  That was the older brother that beat the crap out of me for 7 years. It’s like you didn’t know what to do with a daughter. That makes me feel sorry for you. Now that you’ve abandon me again, I’m 46, and I understand far more…..

I understand that my Mom died and you haven’t spoken to me since. I can tell you, to the day, the last time we spoke.  July 16, 2015.  Both my parents died that day.

I understand you must feel guilty for the abuse the brother gave to me. If you didn’t feel guilt you would understand it more fully and not choose sides.

I understand that quite possibly your heart is not capable of loving fully. You cannot empathize or show compassion for those that are hurt or weak around you.

I understand that just because I am diagnosed with PTSD I am not allowed to be loved by you. If you can’t control the situation; it is not in your world.

I understand that my imperfection doesn’t fit into your life, nor does it fit into your realm of understanding.

I understand that I have learned, I have grown & I am far stronger than you will ever be able to imagine.

I have learned that you fall for the sociopathic lies your son tells you.  Those fit easier into your life rather than asking questions and deciding your truth.

I have learned family doesn’t mean anything and blood is not thicker than water. What matters is the heart and the people that truly care.

I have learned that I am perfectly imperfect and a lot of people love me that way. It’s unfortunate that you cannot.  (Again, I feel sorry for you.)

I have learned that my husband and daughters are my world, will always be here for me and they have been just as hurt by your poor decision making.

I have learned you have little regard for anyone outside yourself.

I have learned I am nothing like you. (I feel sorry for you again here too.)

I am the strong and powerful daughter my Mom taught me to be.

I am the compassionate, caring person my Mom wanted me to be.

I am the example to my daughters that my Mom said I would be.

I am a confident mother, wife and friend because of the valuable lessons my Mom taught me.

I know if my Mom were here now we'd agree; she would be just as disappointed in you. (And your son.)